Just a quick thought....

When people are genuine , but you STILL find offence in their gestures---it says A LOT about you.

You can't always be the victim when you are called to bring people to victory.

That is all.

#TiaTalks

Sleep, Wherefore Art Thou?

I've pretty much suffered from depression most of my adult life. Clinically diagnosed with major depressive episode.  I've been properly medicated for my journey as well.  Everytime I experience a depressive episode, my sleep patterns become skewed.
I'm an accountant, I work super long hours during this time of year.  I need the proper sleep to work at optimal levels.  Needless to say, I've pretty much suffered from insomnia since the beginning of the year.
For the FIRST TIME since January 2nd, I slept through the night last night.  I didn't wake up once.  I slept like a new born baby.  Something happened, that I don't want to really get into at this moment...but I do want to say if you EVER have a chance to talk/ release your heart; whether it's to a trusted confidant, a therapist or even the one that hurt you....DO IT. I promise you'll feel better releasing the weight. The pain remains, but the weight will finally be lifted.
Praying tonight is just as great as last night was......🙏🙏🙏

Someone Who Loves Me For Me...2.14

I waited by the phone for weeks, waiting for a simple "I'm sorry."

I looked at the phone 7 million times waiting for you to apologize, until I finally realized I was waiting on something I'd never get.
I realized while I was dying, you were surviving.

Every terrible thing you ever told me you did, I loved you anyway.

Every time you thought you completely failed, I loved you anyway.

Every time your heart broke or when you broke hearts, I loved you anyway.

When you didn't have a dime, and had nothing to give me BUT love, I loved you anyway.

When you "closed the door" and crushed my soul, I loved you anyway.

In spite of your flaws and insecurities, I loved you anyway.

I loved who you were, the REAL you.

I loved the "little boy" in you, who's Mom loved him unnaturally.  How could I not, when my Dad loved me the same way?

You had....someone who loved you for YOU.

So, why would you hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?

I loved you as I loved myself.  And I love myself as GOD loves me.

Love is something that doesn't need a body to be in love with.

It is a sacred feeling between two souls which is eternal.

God is love and Love is God. It is unconditional.

Knowing how deeply God loves me motivates me to love others the same, and that's how I love you.

Limiting love to romance, hinders our understanding of the emotion.

To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.

YOU understood my mind, and that was apparent the day Anita Wilson played....

Finding someone to fill up space is easy.

Finding someone to have sex with, they are everywhere.

Finding someone to give you a new last name....that's simple to find.

But to have someone who REALLY gets you....that is the magical stuff. 

What we shared was very magical and not another soul on this Earth would understand it.  But they also can't take it away from me.

They may control whether or not you ever speak to me....and they may have even controlled whether or not you are allowed to be my friend.

But, They can't control my heart....and it still beats, for you.

I've exemplified the genuineness of my love.  I did exactly as you asked, without hesitation---no matter the agony it caused me...and I shall continue to do so.  Your happiness > mine.

I know I'm not your friend....but you are mine.

I love you, eternally.

#ThirdStep

#Duet #ImGoingCrazy

#Ditto

#317

The Struggle is Real

    

     During a recent therapy session, my therapist asked me why I struggle with his decision.  I didn't even have to think twice without answering.  I don't struggle with HIS decision.  This wasn't HIS decision though.  This isn't what HE wants, it's what SHE wants.  If it were truly what he wanted....I'd likely deal with it differently....and my therapist was very quiet.
     I know HIM.  I've sat by and quietly watch him lose his self identity in his current relationship.  Sometimes, our lives can become so centered around the person we are in relationship with and it causes us forget those things (and people) that WE actually enjoy in an effort to try and please someone else.  Suddenly we begin doing things that we never done before (not in a growing positive way, but in a submissive way)
     A member of my church wrote on Facebook that "Sabotage will have you disconnect and destroy relationships you honestly weren't designed to live without.  It will whisper in your ear and misconstrue words to sound like an attack.  It will create a spiral and have you build a case against people that you are called to 'do life' with.  Then pride will allow you to tie your desolation in an area to the one you disconnected from.  Shut up.  You need people. AND people need you." (LaTia Powell)
     As women, I wish we were more mature.  More secure.  More in tuned to the spirit.
Not everyone is after your mate.  I was called to be a support system, a source of encouragement, an accountability partner and YES, a friend.  NOT his best friend, that belongs to the wife.  We "Christians" spend so much time focused on unhealthy and TOXIC soul ties, that we often forget there are REALLY instances in the bible where healthy soul ties (deep friendships) were maintained.    I don't have to Bible thump you, so I can direct you to look for yourself.  Check out I Samuel 18:1, "The Soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul".  There is an example of a healthy soul tie between Jonathan and David....a godly friendship that brought a great blessing to them BOTH.  A healthy soul tie enhances your life, it makes you a better person, and the relationship provides strength and support. Notice.....nothing sexual is even in this equation.  We are too busy stuck on what may or may NOT have happened in the past.......to realize that maybe, just MAYBE.....that person actually WAS sent by God.
     Don't get me wrong.  I understand clearly that some things are not meant to last forever.  There comes a time when you have to let some friendships go, and I have.  But once you get to a point in life where you've found your inner circle, "your people", the people that love you unconditionally and pray for you on a regular basis....isn't THAT worth fighting for??

30 Days!

     So I made it to the 30 day mark!!!!  No contact. No communication.  No checking his OR her social media pages.  Phone number and social media pages remain BLOCKED.
How do I feel?  What have I learned?  Well, honestly....I still have my days.  There are still days where I cry, but they are getting fewer.  There is not ONE day in the last 30 days that I haven't thought of or about him in some way.    I vacillate from being hurt some days to being angry.  I miss him.  I've immersed myself in work.  I work to keep my mind occupied.  I've withdrawn from most things that has made me happy.  This part of my healing isn't a sprint towards the finish line.  I WILL HEAL, it's just a slow and daunting process....and honestly I think it's stupid because it didn't have to be/shouldn't even be like this.  But I digress.  I've given him what he's asked for....more importantly, I've accepted what God allowed.  Anyhoo, I try to find the lessons in every unfortunate situation I find myself in.  So over the last 30 days, I've jotted down things that I've learned from this.

1. I'll always love and I'll always be loyal.  It's in my nature.  It's how God made me.  Often I wrestle with this.  Because sometimes, I want to do people how they do me.  It's simply not in me to do that though.  There's consolation in knowing that God will deal with people concerning how they treat others. (Matthew 12:36)
2. Everyone needs a vault. Pastors especially need people that they can take their cape off around, without those people turning around and using their secrets against them.  I was that for him.  He was that for me.  I think that everyone should have people outside of their spouse that they can trust and confide in.....without there being ulterior motives.  It's healthy.  Sometimes, we have to be careful not to hurt those who God sent to help.
3. I'm not ashamed to say that my heart is really, REALLY hurting.  My bonds with people (not just him) aren't what I thought they were.  This situation has left me feeling like who I am isn't good enough for the people that I actually WANT to bond with and be connected to.  Every day, I have to remind myself through affirmations, that I matter...I'm enough and I have value.  I figure if I tell myself that enough times, I'll start to believe it.
4. Sometimes, happy memories hurt the most.  I will legit be in a good head space, then I'll ride past a restaurant that we dined in, or ride by his old house, or even thinking of one of our many good times.....and suddenly I'm crying or on the verge of tears.  What I thought should make me smile, only hurts.  
5. Those people who brag about how quickly and easily they can cut people off are the very people who's hearts are hiding pain.  They cut people because they themselves are cut.  Being insecure and immature are not Godly qualities.  
6. You can't teach HEART.  Either people have it or they don't. PeriodT.  All I know is mine is like no other.  It's my superpower & my kryptonite.  I give more love than I'll ever see in return.  I'm ok with that.
7. Narcissists will tell every woman he's ever dated the same exact thing. (You are my blessing. God sent me to you. I love you. You are my ONLY friend)  I mean word for word.  All lies matter, right?  
8. I've spent too much time fighting people to stay relevant in their lives.  I've done this too often in life.  If people are unsure about their connection to me, or can't see the value of my being in their lives.....I have to leave them be.  No matter how much it hurts.  No matter how much I feel God led me to them for a reason.  Let this sizzle in your spirit:  sometimes the person that you want, doesn't even deserve you.
9. We throw around the word toxic loosely.  There ARE some friendships, relationships and connections that ARE worth fighting for.  Some stuff is toxic and does need to end, but there are some blessings that you need to defend!!!! (Thanks PastorYPJ)  It takes two though.
10. My biggest revelation came from my Soror Prophetess Tera Carissa Hodges.  Sometimes, you gotta let people LOSE with the people they think they are winning with.  But, don't allow them back when whoever made them fold on you, folds on them.  Remember the hurt. Remember the tears. Remember the crushing.  Remember the destruction.