How do I feel? What have I learned? Well, honestly....I still have my days. There are still days where I cry, but they are getting fewer. There is not ONE day in the last 30 days that I haven't thought of or about him in some way. I vacillate from being hurt some days to being angry. I miss him. I've immersed myself in work. I work to keep my mind occupied. I've withdrawn from most things that has made me happy. This part of my healing isn't a sprint towards the finish line. I WILL HEAL, it's just a slow and daunting process....and honestly I think it's stupid because it didn't have to be/shouldn't even be like this. But I digress. I've given him what he's asked for....more importantly, I've accepted what God allowed. Anyhoo, I try to find the lessons in every unfortunate situation I find myself in. So over the last 30 days, I've jotted down things that I've learned from this.
- I'll always love and I'll always be loyal. It's in my nature. It's how God made me. Often I wrestle with this. Because sometimes, I want to do people how they do me. It's simply not in me to do that though. There's consolation in knowing that God will deal with people concerning how they treat others. (Matthew 12:36)
- Everyone needs a vault. Pastors especially need people that they can take their cape off around, without those people turning around and using their secrets against them. I was that for him. He was that for me. I think that everyone should have people outside of their spouse that they can trust and confide in.....without there being ulterior motives. It's healthy. Sometimes, we have to be careful not to hurt those who God sent to help.
- I'm not ashamed to say that my heart is really, REALLY hurting. My bonds with people (not just him) aren't what I thought they were. This situation has left me feeling like who I am isn't good enough for the people that I actually WANT to bond with and be connected to. Every day, I have to remind myself through affirmations, that I matter...I'm enough and I have value. I figure if I tell myself that enough times, I'll start to believe it.
- Sometimes, happy memories hurt the most. I will legit be in a good head space, then I'll ride past a restaurant that we dined in, or ride by his old house, or even thinking of one of our many good times.....and suddenly I'm crying or on the verge of tears. What I thought should make me smile, only hurts.
- Those people who brag about how quickly and easily they can cut people off are the very people who's hearts are hiding pain. They cut people because they themselves are cut. Being insecure and immature are not Godly qualities.
- You can't teach HEART. Either people have it or they don't. PeriodT. All I know is mine is like no other. It's my superpower & my kryptonite. I give more love than I'll ever see in return. I'm ok with that.
- Narcissists will tell every woman he's ever dated the same exact thing. (You are my blessing. God sent me to you. I love you. You are my ONLY friend) I mean word for word. All lies matter, right?
- I've spent too much time fighting people to stay relevant in their lives. I've done this too often in life. If people are unsure about their connection to me, or can't see the value of my being in their lives.....I have to leave them be. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I feel God led me to them for a reason. Let this sizzle in your spirit: sometimes the person that you want, doesn't even deserve you.
- We throw around the word toxic loosely. There ARE some friendships, relationships and connections that ARE worth fighting for. Some stuff is toxic and does need to end, but there are some blessings that you need to defend!!!! (Thanks PastorYPJ) It takes two though.
- My biggest revelation came from my Soror Prophetess Tera Carissa Hodges. Sometimes, you gotta let people LOSE with the people they think they are winning with. But, don't allow them back when whoever made them fold on you, folds on them. Remember the hurt. Remember the tears. Remember the crushing. Remember the destruction.
