Letting go is difficult, but let's get it!

One day you will find yourself fighting for someone for years and you start to realize the whole time all you was doing was fighting to keep getting lied to,fighting to keep getting taken for granted,fighting to keep getting disappointed and fighting to keep getting hurt repeatedly and after it all the toughest fight you find yourself having to face is the fight at the end.......Fighting to Let Go‼️💯

From my heart to yours....

Be grateful for closed doors that could have led to a ruined reputation, injury, indictment or even death. A good thing may not be God thing. “No” can be a blessing.  #GodBlockedIt

God knows BEST!!!

We don’t always understand WHY we go through the trials and tribulations of life.  I must admit, I experienced a hurt like I’ve never experienced before in 2019, by someone I trusted my ENTIRE life with.  Someone I loved unconditionally, and I spent months questioning WHY.  Why did I have to experience that level of pain, crushing, and ripping of my soul.  Almost 6 months to the day I surrendered, I finally got the answer.  He was putting a hedge of protection around me.
Last Friday I was on a cruise with my church family when I got the news that the contract I’d been working on for the last 6 months was approved for 1.5 million dollars MORE than I bid!!!!! When I tell you it was THEN that I realized God removed people from my life that I would have BLOWN my blessing on.........he knew THEN what he had in store for me! A 3.7 million dollar contract is mine, because I TRUSTED GOD. I didn’t give up even when I wanted to lay down and die, literally.
I say this to say, always follow God’s direction....even when it hurts to live.  Keep living, because he has something greater in store.  Those that sow in tears, will reap in JOY.........and the word of the Lord IS blessed!!!!

Story of my life......

I often wonder why God made me the way he did.  It often hurts.....but this completely sums up my lifestyle.

Love is understanding....

MORE Lessons Learned

I know it's been a while since I've blogged.  Honestly, I was taking the time to smile for a bit.  Life was treating me fairly and I took the time to bask in those feelings.  I still took the time to work on "me" but my healing took a backseat.  I'm back and determined more than ever to get over the hump.  Thank ya'll for pushing me.  I've had to disable the comments on the blog, because I STILL haven't responded to them all from Valentine's Day!  I promise I will though.
Many of you have hit my inbox to check in and I thank you!  Thank you for sharing in my journey.  Who knew my Valentine's Day post would get over a million views??  Thanks to all of you for your prayers!
Over the last 3 months, I've learned a few more things on this journey that I'd like to share with you.

#1. Be Unavailable
Sometimes in life we have to stop giving all of our time and energy to things, thoughts and people that are vampires.  They suck all the life out of you. They suck all the happiness out of you.  They drain you emotionally.  One sided relationships where you do all the loving, all the giving, make all the sacrifices and all they do is receive without EVER reciprocating....be unavailable for that.  They can call you when they need something, but never call to check on your well being...be unavailable for that.  They can call you during their storms, but never during their sunshine....be unavailable for that.  You can be a person's biggest supporter, but they NEVER support you.  Stop being available to people that are unavailable to you!

#2. Sometimes the people you love most can't be trusted
I had a friend promise me that he'd help me out with a situation.  I had family coming to town for my Niece's 10th b-day party.  We had planned a small family cookout for her celebration.  He called me and said he was on his way to help me....but never showed up.  No call, no show.  Initially I was SUPER angry.  But then I started to think about the time I had a full blown seizure.  Same friend said he was on his way to help me out with meals.  Never came, never called.  That's just WHO he is.  Unreliable.  He has shown me several times who he was, but I refused to believe it.    Somehow, I loved his representative (who he PRETENDED to be) and not who he really was.  People that don't share your same morals and basic principals of life don't belong in the front row of your life.

#3.  No closure necessary, actions speak louder than words (For REAL)
I can't speak for men, but women definitely chase closure.  We always want to know "why".  Why someone treated us bad.  Why someone left us.  Why someone didn't choose us.  Why someone hurt us.  We go to the very people that hurt us, for healing.  TRUST ME, it never works.  Even today, I wanted to send my friend a text asking if we could have an open-heart surgery conversation, then I realized that I'M the insane one.  We keep having conversations, and he keeps doing the SAME thing.  I'm the only one having the SAME conversations but looking for different results.  That's insanity.  So, I closed out the text thread.  I've been fighting for answers, explanations and closure for two years.  Don't be like me, just let people go.  And guess what??  You don't have to make a huge announcement, just go.  They'll look up and you'll be a memory.  I've learned over the last year or so that men like the THOUGHT of being able to be happy and not the REALITY of actually being happy.

#4.  Don't be afraid to LET PEOPLE GO
I can admit that my heart is SO big.  People that don't really understand my heart, my anointing and my gift OFTEN are confused as to WHY I do the things I do.  While in my heart, I give love and I give of myself unconditionally, there really are hidden conditions that exist.  Like mutual respect.  I've attached myself to people who are careless when it comes to ME and MY feelings.  Honestly, it HURTS.  To rid my heart of the hurt, I have to release them....let them go.  I can't force ANYONE to see that I'm a blessing, you just have to let them go and miss out.

#5.  He's NOT coming back, Sis!
I'm on an airplane at this very moment coming back from the bday party of one of my BEST friends.  We were married once, but we are better friends than we were spouses. He has been married several times since I have and he's currently dating.  His CURRENT girlfriend messaged me and asked me to join.  GROWN folk stuff!!!  I guess my problem is that I've expected others ex's in my life to value me the same way, but it doesn't always work out that way. Other times, I've held on for other reasons, but the end result is usually the same.  People REALLY do show us who they are.  Stop the tears!  Pick your head up and work on your healing!  In THIS season, we are only loving on people that SHOW us that they care.  Someone out there does, and let's stop giving attention to those that don't.

#6.  Don't hold in your TRUE feelings
There is NO peace when you suffer in silence.  Speak your TRUE feelings.  Don't bottle it up, it will only fester and eat away at your healing process.  If you can't speak to the person that mistreated you, talk to a therapist, a life coach....or to God.   But whatever you do, don't hold in your true feelings, let them out, you will feel lighter, I promise.  The photo to the left are my EXACT sentiments for today!  I had to vocalize them.  First I prayed about it.  I spoke to my therapist about it.  I cried real tears, and I'm done with that emotion.  People will use you till they use you up....then go on about their happy life after they don't need you anymore.  All I can do is pray that God grants a little mercy when they began to reap what they sowed.

#7.  Forgive, but NEVER FORGET
Never forget how people made you feel.  Do they CONSISTENTLY make you feel lonely?  Unappreciated?  Like you don't matter?? Hurt??  Used? Deceived?  Often, when times "get better" with that person, we tend to forget how they made us feel so many times before.  Until they begin to make us feel that way again.  The only way to cut the cycle is to unfortunately untie yourself from that person.  Never cut what you can untie.  When you untie you can restore, but what's been cut cannot be repaired to it's original state.

Just a quick thought....

When people are genuine , but you STILL find offence in their gestures---it says A LOT about you.

You can't always be the victim when you are called to bring people to victory.

That is all.

#TiaTalks

Sleep, Wherefore Art Thou?

I've pretty much suffered from depression most of my adult life. Clinically diagnosed with major depressive episode.  I've been properly medicated for my journey as well.  Everytime I experience a depressive episode, my sleep patterns become skewed.
I'm an accountant, I work super long hours during this time of year.  I need the proper sleep to work at optimal levels.  Needless to say, I've pretty much suffered from insomnia since the beginning of the year.
For the FIRST TIME since January 2nd, I slept through the night last night.  I didn't wake up once.  I slept like a new born baby.  Something happened, that I don't want to really get into at this moment...but I do want to say if you EVER have a chance to talk/ release your heart; whether it's to a trusted confidant, a therapist or even the one that hurt you....DO IT. I promise you'll feel better releasing the weight. The pain remains, but the weight will finally be lifted.
Praying tonight is just as great as last night was......🙏🙏🙏

Someone Who Loves Me For Me...2.14

I waited by the phone for weeks, waiting for a simple "I'm sorry."

I looked at the phone 7 million times waiting for you to apologize, until I finally realized I was waiting on something I'd never get.
I realized while I was dying, you were surviving.

Every terrible thing you ever told me you did, I loved you anyway.

Every time you thought you completely failed, I loved you anyway.

Every time your heart broke or when you broke hearts, I loved you anyway.

When you didn't have a dime, and had nothing to give me BUT love, I loved you anyway.

When you "closed the door" and crushed my soul, I loved you anyway.

In spite of your flaws and insecurities, I loved you anyway.

I loved who you were, the REAL you.

I loved the "little boy" in you, who's Mom loved him unnaturally.  How could I not, when my Dad loved me the same way?

You had....someone who loved you for YOU.

So, why would you hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?

I loved you as I loved myself.  And I love myself as GOD loves me.

Love is something that doesn't need a body to be in love with.

It is a sacred feeling between two souls which is eternal.

God is love and Love is God. It is unconditional.

Knowing how deeply God loves me motivates me to love others the same, and that's how I love you.

Limiting love to romance, hinders our understanding of the emotion.

To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.

YOU understood my mind, and that was apparent the day Anita Wilson played....

Finding someone to fill up space is easy.

Finding someone to have sex with, they are everywhere.

Finding someone to give you a new last name....that's simple to find.

But to have someone who REALLY gets you....that is the magical stuff. 

What we shared was very magical and not another soul on this Earth would understand it.  But they also can't take it away from me.

They may control whether or not you ever speak to me....and they may have even controlled whether or not you are allowed to be my friend.

But, They can't control my heart....and it still beats, for you.

I've exemplified the genuineness of my love.  I did exactly as you asked, without hesitation---no matter the agony it caused me...and I shall continue to do so.  Your happiness > mine.

I know I'm not your friend....but you are mine.

I love you, eternally.

#ThirdStep

#Duet #ImGoingCrazy

#Ditto

#317

The Struggle is Real

    

     During a recent therapy session, my therapist asked me why I struggle with his decision.  I didn't even have to think twice without answering.  I don't struggle with HIS decision.  This wasn't HIS decision though.  This isn't what HE wants, it's what SHE wants.  If it were truly what he wanted....I'd likely deal with it differently....and my therapist was very quiet.
     I know HIM.  I've sat by and quietly watch him lose his self identity in his current relationship.  Sometimes, our lives can become so centered around the person we are in relationship with and it causes us forget those things (and people) that WE actually enjoy in an effort to try and please someone else.  Suddenly we begin doing things that we never done before (not in a growing positive way, but in a submissive way)
     A member of my church wrote on Facebook that "Sabotage will have you disconnect and destroy relationships you honestly weren't designed to live without.  It will whisper in your ear and misconstrue words to sound like an attack.  It will create a spiral and have you build a case against people that you are called to 'do life' with.  Then pride will allow you to tie your desolation in an area to the one you disconnected from.  Shut up.  You need people. AND people need you." (LaTia Powell)
     As women, I wish we were more mature.  More secure.  More in tuned to the spirit.
Not everyone is after your mate.  I was called to be a support system, a source of encouragement, an accountability partner and YES, a friend.  NOT his best friend, that belongs to the wife.  We "Christians" spend so much time focused on unhealthy and TOXIC soul ties, that we often forget there are REALLY instances in the bible where healthy soul ties (deep friendships) were maintained.    I don't have to Bible thump you, so I can direct you to look for yourself.  Check out I Samuel 18:1, "The Soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul".  There is an example of a healthy soul tie between Jonathan and David....a godly friendship that brought a great blessing to them BOTH.  A healthy soul tie enhances your life, it makes you a better person, and the relationship provides strength and support. Notice.....nothing sexual is even in this equation.  We are too busy stuck on what may or may NOT have happened in the past.......to realize that maybe, just MAYBE.....that person actually WAS sent by God.
     Don't get me wrong.  I understand clearly that some things are not meant to last forever.  There comes a time when you have to let some friendships go, and I have.  But once you get to a point in life where you've found your inner circle, "your people", the people that love you unconditionally and pray for you on a regular basis....isn't THAT worth fighting for??

30 Days!

     So I made it to the 30 day mark!!!!  No contact. No communication.  No checking his OR her social media pages.  Phone number and social media pages remain BLOCKED.
How do I feel?  What have I learned?  Well, honestly....I still have my days.  There are still days where I cry, but they are getting fewer.  There is not ONE day in the last 30 days that I haven't thought of or about him in some way.    I vacillate from being hurt some days to being angry.  I miss him.  I've immersed myself in work.  I work to keep my mind occupied.  I've withdrawn from most things that has made me happy.  This part of my healing isn't a sprint towards the finish line.  I WILL HEAL, it's just a slow and daunting process....and honestly I think it's stupid because it didn't have to be/shouldn't even be like this.  But I digress.  I've given him what he's asked for....more importantly, I've accepted what God allowed.  Anyhoo, I try to find the lessons in every unfortunate situation I find myself in.  So over the last 30 days, I've jotted down things that I've learned from this.

1. I'll always love and I'll always be loyal.  It's in my nature.  It's how God made me.  Often I wrestle with this.  Because sometimes, I want to do people how they do me.  It's simply not in me to do that though.  There's consolation in knowing that God will deal with people concerning how they treat others. (Matthew 12:36)
2. Everyone needs a vault. Pastors especially need people that they can take their cape off around, without those people turning around and using their secrets against them.  I was that for him.  He was that for me.  I think that everyone should have people outside of their spouse that they can trust and confide in.....without there being ulterior motives.  It's healthy.  Sometimes, we have to be careful not to hurt those who God sent to help.
3. I'm not ashamed to say that my heart is really, REALLY hurting.  My bonds with people (not just him) aren't what I thought they were.  This situation has left me feeling like who I am isn't good enough for the people that I actually WANT to bond with and be connected to.  Every day, I have to remind myself through affirmations, that I matter...I'm enough and I have value.  I figure if I tell myself that enough times, I'll start to believe it.
4. Sometimes, happy memories hurt the most.  I will legit be in a good head space, then I'll ride past a restaurant that we dined in, or ride by his old house, or even thinking of one of our many good times.....and suddenly I'm crying or on the verge of tears.  What I thought should make me smile, only hurts.  
5. Those people who brag about how quickly and easily they can cut people off are the very people who's hearts are hiding pain.  They cut people because they themselves are cut.  Being insecure and immature are not Godly qualities.  
6. You can't teach HEART.  Either people have it or they don't. PeriodT.  All I know is mine is like no other.  It's my superpower & my kryptonite.  I give more love than I'll ever see in return.  I'm ok with that.
7. Narcissists will tell every woman he's ever dated the same exact thing. (You are my blessing. God sent me to you. I love you. You are my ONLY friend)  I mean word for word.  All lies matter, right?  
8. I've spent too much time fighting people to stay relevant in their lives.  I've done this too often in life.  If people are unsure about their connection to me, or can't see the value of my being in their lives.....I have to leave them be.  No matter how much it hurts.  No matter how much I feel God led me to them for a reason.  Let this sizzle in your spirit:  sometimes the person that you want, doesn't even deserve you.
9. We throw around the word toxic loosely.  There ARE some friendships, relationships and connections that ARE worth fighting for.  Some stuff is toxic and does need to end, but there are some blessings that you need to defend!!!! (Thanks PastorYPJ)  It takes two though.
10. My biggest revelation came from my Soror Prophetess Tera Carissa Hodges.  Sometimes, you gotta let people LOSE with the people they think they are winning with.  But, don't allow them back when whoever made them fold on you, folds on them.  Remember the hurt. Remember the tears. Remember the crushing.  Remember the destruction.  

Regrets....

 

I've made it a point to live my life without regrets.  When "life happens" I usually chalk it up as a life-lesson learned.  At 43 years old, I TRULY only have 2 regrets in life....one of those has come in 2019.

I once had a friend in Chicago named Rae.  Rae was circa 2012.  I wasn't my authentic self with Rae, and that ultimately ended our friendship.  When you truly love someone from a pure place, hurting them makes you feel like the scum of the earth.  I hurt Rae, and THAT is a regret I'll live with for the rest of my life.  Was it a life lesson?  Absolutely.  I'll NEVER be inauthentic to ANYBODY else that I meet in life.  You have to love the real me.....or you don't, but I'll never pretend to be something or someone that I'm not to impress another.  NEVER again in life.
I'm a new foster parent to an absolutely blessing of a foster child.  My daughter and I connected at a church outing and the rest is history.  I never really thought about whether or not I should or shouldn't introduce her to "HIM".  It was a no-brainer, really.  HE was my best friend, and a very influential person in my life.  Although he had recently gotten married, our friendship stayed in tact.  I felt as though he could be just as influential to her as he was to me.  My daughter developed her own liking for my friend.  She respected him.  She loved him.  He was everything her biological Father wasn't.  He was attentive.  He told her she was beautiful and that he loved her.  He checked on her.  More than anything though, she loved him because I did.  She affectionately called him "My Daddy".  She would often comment on how he made me smile...and she was comfortable and secure with the relationship they developed.

    That dreaded morning when he called, I eventually got up enough nerve to to talk to my daughter about what had transpired.  She was visibly upset, but she tried to be strong for ME.  At 17, she tried encouraging and ministering to me.  I had a very difficult conversation with her about my needing to move back to DC for a while to get my "head together".  Being in NC had too many memories of him, and I wasn't in a good place mentally or emotionally.  I thought it best that I leave the state.  But what did that mean for HER?  She was in NC....and after all we had been through to get to where we were, I was jumping ship.  The only blessings in her life over the last 2 years were BOTH gone.  First him, now me. 
     For the 1st time in a month----for the first time since he slammed the door in my face--- I visited with my foster daughter this past weekend.  I learned how after our conversation---she tried to hang herself, and just how angry and hurt she was. My daughter was struggling with the demonic spirit of suicide that I took so many years to defeat.  I felt like a complete failure.  I felt like it was ALL my fault.  I should have NEVER introduced him into her life. So my second regret in life was bringing someone into her life that had the proclivity of leaving people, without remorse or second thought.  Here I was trying to make her life better, but ended up making things worst.  The tears she (we shed) this weekend, and the pain in her voice....I knew I messed up majorly.  For him to easily discard me, that's one thing.  But he threw her away just as easily........and I regret ever putting her in a position for anyone else to hurt her.  She's dealt with enough people dropping out of her life.....and he promised he wasn't like them. 
You never really know how important you are to someone else's life.  BE CAREFUL playing with people and their hearts.  Lesson learned, never just casually allow people to enter the lives of your children.  The immature ones will walk away from the child when they walk away from you.....leaving a gaping hole in their soul too.

Encourage Yourself!!

Can I take a minute to encourage someone else, while I MYSELF am discouraged??

     When all this mess happened a month ago, I immediately began to feel like this was my Abraham season.  I was stuck not knowing why God would want to take something from me that I loved so much.  Why was he asking me to do something that didn't make ANY sense to me?  Sacrifice my friend for what? Initially, I was hesitant...but I stayed faithful.  Although there was hesitation, I didn't really question God.  I've been living 43 years, and God has never failed me YET....I didn't think he would start now.  I also know that whatever God takes away from me he'll give me HIS BEST (not better) as a replacement.
    This last month I've spent being broken and hopeless. I've been thoroughly disappointed.  I was hurt, and as a result, I hurt others (namely my daughter but that's coming in the next blog). I was emotionally bankrupt, and had truly lost touch with "Markeeda". I just knew "God had forgotten me". I had poured EVERYTHING into another person, and had nothing left for ME!  I'm encouraged today though, knowing that God has NEVER LEFT me, even though those that said they never would DID. I whined and cried about wasting 2 years of my life with a counterfeit...but I know God to be a redeemer of time. I whined and cried about how much money I wasted or sowed into bad ground.  And I was reminded that God will restore my lost years, money, and time.  When people leave you, and easily discard you like yesterday's trash......remember your value doesn't decrease just because they were too dumb to see it.  I am BEAUTIFUL---YOU are too, and once we truly realize how beautiful we are, we will stop entertaining those who don't match our hearts!

My Daily prayer:  Dear God, Help me smile again, help me trust again, and help me love again.  Please bring healing to this broken heart. Amen

Falling Out Of Love...

     Has anybody ever been forced to fall out of love with someone?  I've learned that's not an easy task.  Honestly, I haven't quite mastered it yet.  That's why I'm here to talk about it.  I'm through suffering in silence, and maybe some of you that are here can share some insight or your testimonies about this very issue.  I've ALWAYS believed when you TRULY love someone, you'll always LOVE them....no matter what.  But falling, staying, and being IN-LOVE can change.  I think it's easy to pinpoint a few ways you KNOW when you're falling out of love with someone.

1. You fall in-love with someone else.
2. Their imperfections irritate you.
3. You lose respect for them.
4. You no longer want to be intimate with them.
5. Communication diminishes.

     Those are easy ways to determine that you're falling out of love with someone.  But what IF....none of these things exist?  What if you love their imperfections (because that makes them who they are).  What if you have the highest regard and respect for them?  What if you only want to be intimate with them?  What if you communicate all day and every day....and can't get enough of them.  What happens when you have to FORCE yourself to fall out of love with someone who never really loved you.  They were good at pretending.....in fact, Hollywood owes them an Oscar.  

     Although I still have days where I struggle with this immensely, most days I'm good with knowing I'm no longer in love with who that person has become.  I don't know him.  I know the person he pretended to be....and I remain loyal and in-love to HIM.  But that person doesn't really exist.  That person was loving, attentive, sweet, charming, anointed, and just an all around awesome person.   

You ever watched someone become a completely different person, and although they physically look the same....they are different?  He became a liar, manipulator, deceiver, just down right mean...and for no reason.  And to a person that has been nothing but a loyal friend to him.  I never spoke down about him, never revealed his secrets, I covered him even though I wasn't in covenant with him....I was a real friend that was a complete blessing to his life....even AFTER he got married. I listened to him, advised him, helped him, sowed into him.  Discarded like yesterday's trash...…..I've always said, some people take the "forsaking all others" to the extreme.....but even in that, I've HONORED his request.  NO communication.  

     A good friend of mine sat me down about a year ago.  She cautioned me to be careful with dealing with him.... she said "his spirit is being deceived by a witch." Honestly, I was offended.  I mean....she was talking about the man that I loved, and I was so very over-protective of him.  Additionally, she was all the way in DC, what did she know about MY man that I didn't already know??  But she knew a lot.  She saw what I was too blinded to see.  I didn't listen, I didn't take heed.  Once again, she was right.....and everything she said would happen, happened...it took nearly a year, but he did EXACTLY what she said he would.  I remember that day clearly.  I cried after our conversation because I felt like she just didn't "know him".  She told me...."once he has no more use for you, he's going to drop you like a hot potato and then there will be chaos- you're going to be devastated trying to put the pieces of your life back together."  

Now here I am.  Trying desperately to fall out of love with someone that never loved me in the first place.

The ONLY way I know to love...

     I've always been one that put the needs and happiness of others before my own.  Often times, I pour out and our out until I'm left empty.  I'm the one that no one pours back into.  I've eaten Ramen noodles so that others could borrow and feast on steak.   I've bought washers and dryers while I myself have to do laundry at the local laundromat.  I give...and give...and give....and give.  I've been a blessing even when I probably couldn't afford to.  People borrow and never repay...and I never take recourse.  I have the heart of a giver, but it's often left me feeling empty.
     I guess that's why this most recent mess I've found myself into hurts so much.  When you've bonded with someone, and have tried to be nothing but a blessing to that person's life.......it stings and hurts like hell when they discard you.

     Maybe I love too hard.  Maybe I love too freely.  But when I love, I love FOR REAL.  The only way I know how to love, is like God loves.  We disappoint him daily, but he never stops loving us.  We don't always do what he says do and we often do the exact thing he tells us NOT to do...and he yet loves us still.  Sometimes I put everything and everyone else before him, and he's still there with open arms welcoming me back to him even after I've let him down time and time again.  That's the way I love....and although it may not exactly be healthy, it's the only way I know how to love.
     I've had to learn to love in silent...and from a distant now.  None of the vile, mean and hurtful stuff that he said to me last week will stop me from loving him.......but I have to respect his wishes and not contact him.  It's day #6, and I've respected his choice.  My heart is broken, and my soul is raw....but I can't force my love on anyone.  That's not true love......and the love I bear, is true. 💔💔

Listen to your gut...

     It's day 5....honestly, I've cried every day since the last time I spoke to him.  Today I woke up, feeling better about life.  I was determined to have a good day.
I had an appointment to get my hair braided, I decided it was time for me to stop looking like what I had been through.  I hadn't combed my hair in 3 days....and I looked a complete mess.  Sometimes, when I look better, I feel better.
I headed out to my appointment in Raleigh.  I hardly ever visit that side of town, but I've had the same braider since before I moved to NC.
I was driving down 40 from Durham towards Raleigh.  The closer I got to the exit for my braider's shop, I began to feel sick to my stomach.  I hadn't eaten this morning.  I hadn't taken medicine because I didn't want to take it on an empty stomach.  But the more I drove, the weaker I felt.  I began sweating.  I pulled over on the side of the road, because it was evident that I was about to vomit......and as I pulled over, I looked up.  I knew that red truck from a mile away. I looked back to see the writing on the side of the truck and confirmed what I already knew.   On the other side of the highway, there he was.  

     My body was warning me that he was near, all I had to do was listen to it. Just as quickly as he whizzed by, my symptoms went away. I mean instantly.  I hopped back on the highway, and haven't felt a twinge of nausea since.
Always listen to your gut.....I actually wish I had listened in March of 2017.  I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.  A lot of headache.  A lot of money.  Some of my dignity.  But I didn't. Now, I'm paying the price.
Lesson of the day:  ALWAYS listen to your gut.

Game Over...2019 Has already been brutal!

     Many people have these huge New Years resolutions that they are only disciplined enough to keep or maintain for a few weeks.  By the time February rolls around, the gyms are clear, people have fallen off their diets, the churches are back to being empty and savings accounts are no longer full. 
     I generally am not one for resolutions, but I was adamant that my 2019 would be greater than my 2018.  My 2018 was terrible.  I didn't think a year could be worst than 2017, but 2018 took the gold metal in being the worst year of my 43 years of living....worst than my 2012, which was indeed a rock bottom year for me. 
     So I set out, just resolving that 2019 would be a better year for me.  I did go to church on New Year's eve, but my church isn't really one of tradition, so by midnight, I was home alone in my bed.  I prayed to God as the New Year rang in that 2019 would be my year. I prayed that his will be done in my life, and I prayed for him to remove anything that was hindering me from being happy or being in his will.  I had trouble sleeping that night, I tossed and turned and woke up feeling unsettled.  Nevertheless, I drug myself out of bed and off to work.  The day was pretty uneventful, but there was this nagging feeling that followed me through the day.  I laid down on the couch, and I began to create a video for a friend.  I had some things on my heart.  I had sent an email out of anger, and I was attempting to explain why.  The video ended up being about 25 minutes long, I had a lot to say, and a lot to get off of my heart.  I attached the video to an email, sent it to him and slept like a baby!  Sometimes in life, all we need is an outlet.  An opportunity to express ourselves.  I keep so much bottled up because I don't like conflict, I don't like confrontation....my childhood taught me that when people are angry with you, THEY LEAVE.  So as an adult, I avoid conflict at all cost....never wanting people to leave me.

     January 2, 2019.....I woke up, headed out to work and my phone rang at 9am.  It was the friend.  He was calling to tell me he was "done, done"...and that he wouldn't be in a friendship with me in 2019.  "No, I didn't watch your video, I'm not doing this in 2019".  I was STUNNED.  He proceeded to tell me I was the cause of his marital issues, and that he couldn't be friends with someone who has always been there.  He took it further, he said I should have NEVER been there.  All I could feel was the blood pouring from that knife he had just pierced my heart with.  Anytime someone tells you that you should have never been in their life.....it took my breath away.  I was at a lost for words, it was soul shattering, and I honestly don't remember much more of the conversation after that.  It's all a garbled mess.  I remember thanking him for his call, and wishing God's Blessings upon him. Even though at the time, I wanted to blow the WHOLE house up that was attached to the door he had just slammed in my face.
      A 7 minute conversation has changed the whole trajectory of my life.  Needless to say, 2 days into 2019, and I was ALREADY over it.  I then remembered the prayer I prayed on New Year's Eve.  I can't be mad at him, because I asked God to take away anything that was keeping me from being happy.....and he did JUST that.  Not sure how God is going to turn this pain in to happiness, I just have to trust that he will.  I was browsing Facebook through my tears last night, and God used Patrick Weaver to minister to my hurting soul....so for now, I'm looking at life through this lens:

     THIS is my healing process, my therapist said to BLOG it out......so ya'll stay tuned for the ride.  I have almost 2 years worth of stories to blog about, so you'll know how I GOT here....and of course, I'm anticipating having a testimony of how God is going to bring me out.  Today, is day 1 without "Him"........ya'll pray my strength.