I've always been one that put the needs and happiness of others before my own. Often times, I pour out and our out until I'm left empty. I'm the one that no one pours back into. I've eaten Ramen noodles so that others could borrow and feast on steak. I've bought washers and dryers while I myself have to do laundry at the local laundromat. I give...and give...and give....and give. I've been a blessing even when I probably couldn't afford to. People borrow and never repay...and I never take recourse. I have the heart of a giver, but it's often left me feeling empty.
I guess that's why this most recent mess I've found myself into hurts so much. When you've bonded with someone, and have tried to be nothing but a blessing to that person's life.......it stings and hurts like hell when they discard you.
Maybe I love too hard. Maybe I love too freely. But when I love, I love FOR REAL. The only way I know how to love, is like God loves. We disappoint him daily, but he never stops loving us. We don't always do what he says do and we often do the exact thing he tells us NOT to do...and he yet loves us still. Sometimes I put everything and everyone else before him, and he's still there with open arms welcoming me back to him even after I've let him down time and time again. That's the way I love....and although it may not exactly be healthy, it's the only way I know how to love.
I've had to learn to love in silent...and from a distant now. None of the vile, mean and hurtful stuff that he said to me last week will stop me from loving him.......but I have to respect his wishes and not contact him. It's day #6, and I've respected his choice. My heart is broken, and my soul is raw....but I can't force my love on anyone. That's not true love......and the love I bear, is true. 💔💔
