I generally am not one for resolutions, but I was adamant that my 2019 would be greater than my 2018. My 2018 was terrible. I didn't think a year could be worst than 2017, but 2018 took the gold metal in being the worst year of my 43 years of living....worst than my 2012, which was indeed a rock bottom year for me.
So I set out, just resolving that 2019 would be a better year for me. I did go to church on New Year's eve, but my church isn't really one of tradition, so by midnight, I was home alone in my bed. I prayed to God as the New Year rang in that 2019 would be my year. I prayed that his will be done in my life, and I prayed for him to remove anything that was hindering me from being happy or being in his will. I had trouble sleeping that night, I tossed and turned and woke up feeling unsettled. Nevertheless, I drug myself out of bed and off to work. The day was pretty uneventful, but there was this nagging feeling that followed me through the day. I laid down on the couch, and I began to create a video for a friend. I had some things on my heart. I had sent an email out of anger, and I was attempting to explain why. The video ended up being about 25 minutes long, I had a lot to say, and a lot to get off of my heart. I attached the video to an email, sent it to him and slept like a baby! Sometimes in life, all we need is an outlet. An opportunity to express ourselves. I keep so much bottled up because I don't like conflict, I don't like confrontation....my childhood taught me that when people are angry with you, THEY LEAVE. So as an adult, I avoid conflict at all cost....never wanting people to leave me.
January 2, 2019.....I woke up, headed out to work and my phone rang at 9am. It was the friend. He was calling to tell me he was "done, done"...and that he wouldn't be in a friendship with me in 2019. "No, I didn't watch your video, I'm not doing this in 2019". I was STUNNED. He proceeded to tell me I was the cause of his marital issues, and that he couldn't be friends with someone who has always been there. He took it further, he said I should have NEVER been there. All I could feel was the blood pouring from that knife he had just pierced my heart with. Anytime someone tells you that you should have never been in their life.....it took my breath away. I was at a lost for words, it was soul shattering, and I honestly don't remember much more of the conversation after that. It's all a garbled mess. I remember thanking him for his call, and wishing God's Blessings upon him. Even though at the time, I wanted to blow the WHOLE house up that was attached to the door he had just slammed in my face.
A 7 minute conversation has changed the whole trajectory of my life. Needless to say, 2 days into 2019, and I was ALREADY over it. I then remembered the prayer I prayed on New Year's Eve. I can't be mad at him, because I asked God to take away anything that was keeping me from being happy.....and he did JUST that. Not sure how God is going to turn this pain in to happiness, I just have to trust that he will. I was browsing Facebook through my tears last night, and God used Patrick Weaver to minister to my hurting soul....so for now, I'm looking at life through this lens:
THIS is my healing process, my therapist said to BLOG it out......so ya'll stay tuned for the ride. I have almost 2 years worth of stories to blog about, so you'll know how I GOT here....and of course, I'm anticipating having a testimony of how God is going to bring me out. Today, is day 1 without "Him"........ya'll pray my strength.
