Regrets....

 

I've made it a point to live my life without regrets.  When "life happens" I usually chalk it up as a life-lesson learned.  At 43 years old, I TRULY only have 2 regrets in life....one of those has come in 2019.

I once had a friend in Chicago named Rae.  Rae was circa 2012.  I wasn't my authentic self with Rae, and that ultimately ended our friendship.  When you truly love someone from a pure place, hurting them makes you feel like the scum of the earth.  I hurt Rae, and THAT is a regret I'll live with for the rest of my life.  Was it a life lesson?  Absolutely.  I'll NEVER be inauthentic to ANYBODY else that I meet in life.  You have to love the real me.....or you don't, but I'll never pretend to be something or someone that I'm not to impress another.  NEVER again in life.
I'm a new foster parent to an absolutely blessing of a foster child.  My daughter and I connected at a church outing and the rest is history.  I never really thought about whether or not I should or shouldn't introduce her to "HIM".  It was a no-brainer, really.  HE was my best friend, and a very influential person in my life.  Although he had recently gotten married, our friendship stayed in tact.  I felt as though he could be just as influential to her as he was to me.  My daughter developed her own liking for my friend.  She respected him.  She loved him.  He was everything her biological Father wasn't.  He was attentive.  He told her she was beautiful and that he loved her.  He checked on her.  More than anything though, she loved him because I did.  She affectionately called him "My Daddy".  She would often comment on how he made me smile...and she was comfortable and secure with the relationship they developed.

    That dreaded morning when he called, I eventually got up enough nerve to to talk to my daughter about what had transpired.  She was visibly upset, but she tried to be strong for ME.  At 17, she tried encouraging and ministering to me.  I had a very difficult conversation with her about my needing to move back to DC for a while to get my "head together".  Being in NC had too many memories of him, and I wasn't in a good place mentally or emotionally.  I thought it best that I leave the state.  But what did that mean for HER?  She was in NC....and after all we had been through to get to where we were, I was jumping ship.  The only blessings in her life over the last 2 years were BOTH gone.  First him, now me. 
     For the 1st time in a month----for the first time since he slammed the door in my face--- I visited with my foster daughter this past weekend.  I learned how after our conversation---she tried to hang herself, and just how angry and hurt she was. My daughter was struggling with the demonic spirit of suicide that I took so many years to defeat.  I felt like a complete failure.  I felt like it was ALL my fault.  I should have NEVER introduced him into her life. So my second regret in life was bringing someone into her life that had the proclivity of leaving people, without remorse or second thought.  Here I was trying to make her life better, but ended up making things worst.  The tears she (we shed) this weekend, and the pain in her voice....I knew I messed up majorly.  For him to easily discard me, that's one thing.  But he threw her away just as easily........and I regret ever putting her in a position for anyone else to hurt her.  She's dealt with enough people dropping out of her life.....and he promised he wasn't like them. 
You never really know how important you are to someone else's life.  BE CAREFUL playing with people and their hearts.  Lesson learned, never just casually allow people to enter the lives of your children.  The immature ones will walk away from the child when they walk away from you.....leaving a gaping hole in their soul too.

Encourage Yourself!!

Can I take a minute to encourage someone else, while I MYSELF am discouraged??

     When all this mess happened a month ago, I immediately began to feel like this was my Abraham season.  I was stuck not knowing why God would want to take something from me that I loved so much.  Why was he asking me to do something that didn't make ANY sense to me?  Sacrifice my friend for what? Initially, I was hesitant...but I stayed faithful.  Although there was hesitation, I didn't really question God.  I've been living 43 years, and God has never failed me YET....I didn't think he would start now.  I also know that whatever God takes away from me he'll give me HIS BEST (not better) as a replacement.
    This last month I've spent being broken and hopeless. I've been thoroughly disappointed.  I was hurt, and as a result, I hurt others (namely my daughter but that's coming in the next blog). I was emotionally bankrupt, and had truly lost touch with "Markeeda". I just knew "God had forgotten me". I had poured EVERYTHING into another person, and had nothing left for ME!  I'm encouraged today though, knowing that God has NEVER LEFT me, even though those that said they never would DID. I whined and cried about wasting 2 years of my life with a counterfeit...but I know God to be a redeemer of time. I whined and cried about how much money I wasted or sowed into bad ground.  And I was reminded that God will restore my lost years, money, and time.  When people leave you, and easily discard you like yesterday's trash......remember your value doesn't decrease just because they were too dumb to see it.  I am BEAUTIFUL---YOU are too, and once we truly realize how beautiful we are, we will stop entertaining those who don't match our hearts!

My Daily prayer:  Dear God, Help me smile again, help me trust again, and help me love again.  Please bring healing to this broken heart. Amen

Falling Out Of Love...

     Has anybody ever been forced to fall out of love with someone?  I've learned that's not an easy task.  Honestly, I haven't quite mastered it yet.  That's why I'm here to talk about it.  I'm through suffering in silence, and maybe some of you that are here can share some insight or your testimonies about this very issue.  I've ALWAYS believed when you TRULY love someone, you'll always LOVE them....no matter what.  But falling, staying, and being IN-LOVE can change.  I think it's easy to pinpoint a few ways you KNOW when you're falling out of love with someone.

1. You fall in-love with someone else.
2. Their imperfections irritate you.
3. You lose respect for them.
4. You no longer want to be intimate with them.
5. Communication diminishes.

     Those are easy ways to determine that you're falling out of love with someone.  But what IF....none of these things exist?  What if you love their imperfections (because that makes them who they are).  What if you have the highest regard and respect for them?  What if you only want to be intimate with them?  What if you communicate all day and every day....and can't get enough of them.  What happens when you have to FORCE yourself to fall out of love with someone who never really loved you.  They were good at pretending.....in fact, Hollywood owes them an Oscar.  

     Although I still have days where I struggle with this immensely, most days I'm good with knowing I'm no longer in love with who that person has become.  I don't know him.  I know the person he pretended to be....and I remain loyal and in-love to HIM.  But that person doesn't really exist.  That person was loving, attentive, sweet, charming, anointed, and just an all around awesome person.   

You ever watched someone become a completely different person, and although they physically look the same....they are different?  He became a liar, manipulator, deceiver, just down right mean...and for no reason.  And to a person that has been nothing but a loyal friend to him.  I never spoke down about him, never revealed his secrets, I covered him even though I wasn't in covenant with him....I was a real friend that was a complete blessing to his life....even AFTER he got married. I listened to him, advised him, helped him, sowed into him.  Discarded like yesterday's trash...…..I've always said, some people take the "forsaking all others" to the extreme.....but even in that, I've HONORED his request.  NO communication.  

     A good friend of mine sat me down about a year ago.  She cautioned me to be careful with dealing with him.... she said "his spirit is being deceived by a witch." Honestly, I was offended.  I mean....she was talking about the man that I loved, and I was so very over-protective of him.  Additionally, she was all the way in DC, what did she know about MY man that I didn't already know??  But she knew a lot.  She saw what I was too blinded to see.  I didn't listen, I didn't take heed.  Once again, she was right.....and everything she said would happen, happened...it took nearly a year, but he did EXACTLY what she said he would.  I remember that day clearly.  I cried after our conversation because I felt like she just didn't "know him".  She told me...."once he has no more use for you, he's going to drop you like a hot potato and then there will be chaos- you're going to be devastated trying to put the pieces of your life back together."  

Now here I am.  Trying desperately to fall out of love with someone that never loved me in the first place.

The ONLY way I know to love...

     I've always been one that put the needs and happiness of others before my own.  Often times, I pour out and our out until I'm left empty.  I'm the one that no one pours back into.  I've eaten Ramen noodles so that others could borrow and feast on steak.   I've bought washers and dryers while I myself have to do laundry at the local laundromat.  I give...and give...and give....and give.  I've been a blessing even when I probably couldn't afford to.  People borrow and never repay...and I never take recourse.  I have the heart of a giver, but it's often left me feeling empty.
     I guess that's why this most recent mess I've found myself into hurts so much.  When you've bonded with someone, and have tried to be nothing but a blessing to that person's life.......it stings and hurts like hell when they discard you.

     Maybe I love too hard.  Maybe I love too freely.  But when I love, I love FOR REAL.  The only way I know how to love, is like God loves.  We disappoint him daily, but he never stops loving us.  We don't always do what he says do and we often do the exact thing he tells us NOT to do...and he yet loves us still.  Sometimes I put everything and everyone else before him, and he's still there with open arms welcoming me back to him even after I've let him down time and time again.  That's the way I love....and although it may not exactly be healthy, it's the only way I know how to love.
     I've had to learn to love in silent...and from a distant now.  None of the vile, mean and hurtful stuff that he said to me last week will stop me from loving him.......but I have to respect his wishes and not contact him.  It's day #6, and I've respected his choice.  My heart is broken, and my soul is raw....but I can't force my love on anyone.  That's not true love......and the love I bear, is true. 💔💔

Listen to your gut...

     It's day 5....honestly, I've cried every day since the last time I spoke to him.  Today I woke up, feeling better about life.  I was determined to have a good day.
I had an appointment to get my hair braided, I decided it was time for me to stop looking like what I had been through.  I hadn't combed my hair in 3 days....and I looked a complete mess.  Sometimes, when I look better, I feel better.
I headed out to my appointment in Raleigh.  I hardly ever visit that side of town, but I've had the same braider since before I moved to NC.
I was driving down 40 from Durham towards Raleigh.  The closer I got to the exit for my braider's shop, I began to feel sick to my stomach.  I hadn't eaten this morning.  I hadn't taken medicine because I didn't want to take it on an empty stomach.  But the more I drove, the weaker I felt.  I began sweating.  I pulled over on the side of the road, because it was evident that I was about to vomit......and as I pulled over, I looked up.  I knew that red truck from a mile away. I looked back to see the writing on the side of the truck and confirmed what I already knew.   On the other side of the highway, there he was.  

     My body was warning me that he was near, all I had to do was listen to it. Just as quickly as he whizzed by, my symptoms went away. I mean instantly.  I hopped back on the highway, and haven't felt a twinge of nausea since.
Always listen to your gut.....I actually wish I had listened in March of 2017.  I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.  A lot of headache.  A lot of money.  Some of my dignity.  But I didn't. Now, I'm paying the price.
Lesson of the day:  ALWAYS listen to your gut.

Game Over...2019 Has already been brutal!

     Many people have these huge New Years resolutions that they are only disciplined enough to keep or maintain for a few weeks.  By the time February rolls around, the gyms are clear, people have fallen off their diets, the churches are back to being empty and savings accounts are no longer full. 
     I generally am not one for resolutions, but I was adamant that my 2019 would be greater than my 2018.  My 2018 was terrible.  I didn't think a year could be worst than 2017, but 2018 took the gold metal in being the worst year of my 43 years of living....worst than my 2012, which was indeed a rock bottom year for me. 
     So I set out, just resolving that 2019 would be a better year for me.  I did go to church on New Year's eve, but my church isn't really one of tradition, so by midnight, I was home alone in my bed.  I prayed to God as the New Year rang in that 2019 would be my year. I prayed that his will be done in my life, and I prayed for him to remove anything that was hindering me from being happy or being in his will.  I had trouble sleeping that night, I tossed and turned and woke up feeling unsettled.  Nevertheless, I drug myself out of bed and off to work.  The day was pretty uneventful, but there was this nagging feeling that followed me through the day.  I laid down on the couch, and I began to create a video for a friend.  I had some things on my heart.  I had sent an email out of anger, and I was attempting to explain why.  The video ended up being about 25 minutes long, I had a lot to say, and a lot to get off of my heart.  I attached the video to an email, sent it to him and slept like a baby!  Sometimes in life, all we need is an outlet.  An opportunity to express ourselves.  I keep so much bottled up because I don't like conflict, I don't like confrontation....my childhood taught me that when people are angry with you, THEY LEAVE.  So as an adult, I avoid conflict at all cost....never wanting people to leave me.

     January 2, 2019.....I woke up, headed out to work and my phone rang at 9am.  It was the friend.  He was calling to tell me he was "done, done"...and that he wouldn't be in a friendship with me in 2019.  "No, I didn't watch your video, I'm not doing this in 2019".  I was STUNNED.  He proceeded to tell me I was the cause of his marital issues, and that he couldn't be friends with someone who has always been there.  He took it further, he said I should have NEVER been there.  All I could feel was the blood pouring from that knife he had just pierced my heart with.  Anytime someone tells you that you should have never been in their life.....it took my breath away.  I was at a lost for words, it was soul shattering, and I honestly don't remember much more of the conversation after that.  It's all a garbled mess.  I remember thanking him for his call, and wishing God's Blessings upon him. Even though at the time, I wanted to blow the WHOLE house up that was attached to the door he had just slammed in my face.
      A 7 minute conversation has changed the whole trajectory of my life.  Needless to say, 2 days into 2019, and I was ALREADY over it.  I then remembered the prayer I prayed on New Year's Eve.  I can't be mad at him, because I asked God to take away anything that was keeping me from being happy.....and he did JUST that.  Not sure how God is going to turn this pain in to happiness, I just have to trust that he will.  I was browsing Facebook through my tears last night, and God used Patrick Weaver to minister to my hurting soul....so for now, I'm looking at life through this lens:

     THIS is my healing process, my therapist said to BLOG it out......so ya'll stay tuned for the ride.  I have almost 2 years worth of stories to blog about, so you'll know how I GOT here....and of course, I'm anticipating having a testimony of how God is going to bring me out.  Today, is day 1 without "Him"........ya'll pray my strength.