Regrets....

 

I've made it a point to live my life without regrets.  When "life happens" I usually chalk it up as a life-lesson learned.  At 43 years old, I TRULY only have 2 regrets in life....one of those has come in 2019.

I once had a friend in Chicago named Rae.  Rae was circa 2012.  I wasn't my authentic self with Rae, and that ultimately ended our friendship.  When you truly love someone from a pure place, hurting them makes you feel like the scum of the earth.  I hurt Rae, and THAT is a regret I'll live with for the rest of my life.  Was it a life lesson?  Absolutely.  I'll NEVER be inauthentic to ANYBODY else that I meet in life.  You have to love the real me.....or you don't, but I'll never pretend to be something or someone that I'm not to impress another.  NEVER again in life.
I'm a new foster parent to an absolutely blessing of a foster child.  My daughter and I connected at a church outing and the rest is history.  I never really thought about whether or not I should or shouldn't introduce her to "HIM".  It was a no-brainer, really.  HE was my best friend, and a very influential person in my life.  Although he had recently gotten married, our friendship stayed in tact.  I felt as though he could be just as influential to her as he was to me.  My daughter developed her own liking for my friend.  She respected him.  She loved him.  He was everything her biological Father wasn't.  He was attentive.  He told her she was beautiful and that he loved her.  He checked on her.  More than anything though, she loved him because I did.  She affectionately called him "My Daddy".  She would often comment on how he made me smile...and she was comfortable and secure with the relationship they developed.

    That dreaded morning when he called, I eventually got up enough nerve to to talk to my daughter about what had transpired.  She was visibly upset, but she tried to be strong for ME.  At 17, she tried encouraging and ministering to me.  I had a very difficult conversation with her about my needing to move back to DC for a while to get my "head together".  Being in NC had too many memories of him, and I wasn't in a good place mentally or emotionally.  I thought it best that I leave the state.  But what did that mean for HER?  She was in NC....and after all we had been through to get to where we were, I was jumping ship.  The only blessings in her life over the last 2 years were BOTH gone.  First him, now me. 
     For the 1st time in a month----for the first time since he slammed the door in my face--- I visited with my foster daughter this past weekend.  I learned how after our conversation---she tried to hang herself, and just how angry and hurt she was. My daughter was struggling with the demonic spirit of suicide that I took so many years to defeat.  I felt like a complete failure.  I felt like it was ALL my fault.  I should have NEVER introduced him into her life. So my second regret in life was bringing someone into her life that had the proclivity of leaving people, without remorse or second thought.  Here I was trying to make her life better, but ended up making things worst.  The tears she (we shed) this weekend, and the pain in her voice....I knew I messed up majorly.  For him to easily discard me, that's one thing.  But he threw her away just as easily........and I regret ever putting her in a position for anyone else to hurt her.  She's dealt with enough people dropping out of her life.....and he promised he wasn't like them. 
You never really know how important you are to someone else's life.  BE CAREFUL playing with people and their hearts.  Lesson learned, never just casually allow people to enter the lives of your children.  The immature ones will walk away from the child when they walk away from you.....leaving a gaping hole in their soul too.